Friday, February 27, 2015

Nouwen Again

As I grow sleepy from my nighttime medication, I felt the need to pick up a Nouwen book from my book collection, to get some sense of clarity from my current feelings of neglect, misunderstanding and guilt for my recent actions and thoughts. I chose Making All Things New.

Does it matter where these feelings originated? I think not, so I will not divulge. But I am experiencing not-so-pleasant feelings, which after reading just a few Nouwen passages, I find that this is part of the human condition.

He begins his book by talking about our Fulfillment and Non-fulfillment. Fulfillment isn’t positive, as he refers to it in this section. It is rather being fulfilled with worry, guilt and depression. Filled with everyday tasks, rushing from one thing to do to the next, but never really feeling that all of those “things” that fill our lives, actually fulfill us.

I am unfulfilled daily, by the second and the minute. Work has me insanely busy, moving from project to project while criticizing myself throughout the day. Worrying if I’m quick enough, intuitive enough, good enough. Worry. This is the focus of the first chapter in Nouwen’s book, Making All Things New.


I plan to continue reading this book tomorrow, and reflecting on the words I read. Until then, I won’t worry if someone reads this.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Triumph is....

-Your inner beauty discovered, realized, celebrated.
-Letting go, truly, and basking in your new-found lightness.
-Taking your wall down, brick by heavy brick, and being amazed at what's on the other side.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Steps in All Directons

Sometimes I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 2 steps back. And while I'm still moving forward and making progress, it's those 2 steps that hold so much pain and anger and frustration. Recently it affected my job - a fear I've had for quite some time. Just no motivation or sense of importance or urgency with my projects. Leaving early or working from home when my boss was out. Just blah. Blah means so many things and is a perfect explanation of my feelings.

I'm going to counseling and I think this is stirring up some long-covered dirt. Counseling is tough. Sometimes I enjoy it, I go into a session with enthusiasm. But sometimes I get bored, even sleepy and antsy for my session to end.

I'm so tired of this "sometimes" business. Can't I please be "all the time", steady in my emotions and experiences? That's not too much to ask or desire or seek. I want these 2 steps to dissolve. To end. Sure,  it used to be 2 forward and 3 back, and slowly the ratio of steps forward was in my favor. Even still, any step backward is frustrating. I fear I'll snap. And recently I have. By the grace of God, I have the most forgiving man I could ever need in my struggles and journey to a better life that has to exist. It just has to get better than this. There has to be more joy, more creativity, more stability. If there isn't, what's the damn point in all of this work?

Friday, December 19, 2014

Got Anger?

I had a revelation in a counseling session a couple weeks ago. For the first time, my counselor did the EMDR method. It was odd at first but I enjoyed it.

She gave me a week to think of a very painful event in my life. In all honesty, I had a hard time deciding which event to pick. I have so many bad memories of my childhood. I get sad when I think about it.

So, the event I chose was when I was in 5th grade. Me, my two sisters and my mom were living in this cramped two-bedroom apartment. I didn't have my own room or even share a room with a sibling. I had to share a room with my mom. Talk about friggin' awkward. There was never any privacy and I never could escape her. So the event goes like this: I have my friend Kristi over for a sleep over. It's the next morning and me and Kristi are watching television. The remote control was next to my mom on the kitchen table. I apparently responded to my mother about something, I don't remember what, in a way that she didn't like. She threw the controller at me and it landed right next to me. I picked it up and pushed it away, and all hell broke loose.

She was yelling at me, in front of my friend that I'm ungrateful and selfish and she knows I'm mad because my dad wasn't around. This goes on and I begin crying,  all while my poor friend has to listen to my mother belittle me. What could I possibly said to instigate this behavior on her part? I really wish I could remember. I don't know how this event ended. Did my friend have a parent pick her up? Did we take her home? Did she walk home? I don't remember that either.

So during this EMDR session, we go through this event like it's a scene that I am a part of and we go through it layer by layer. Sights, sounds, feelings, thoughts, what did I feel looking back on it, what do I feel now as I remember it. Just broke that shit down to its bones. As we are talking, I have a buzzer in each hand, and they each vibrate at different times, lengths, and intensities. It's odd but soothing at the same time.

As we walk through this event, I get in touch at how angry I am. I always thought I was sad and depressed which I am, but anger? I never thought of myself as an angry person. But it was there and I wanted to say awful (yet true) things to her. I pictured myself as this large shadow with teeth looming over her just yelling nasty truths of who she was. I was angry.

Now that I know I hold so much anger inside, I'm curious as to how this revelation will affect me. Will I become less angry? Will I find more anger? Will I discover more emotions I didn't know I held inside? Likely a combination of each. But I do know I want to try this EMDR method again.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Play That Funky Music

It's a defeated feeling when you make a wrong choice. Especially if you know it's wrong as you do it. Deep inside you know it's not right, but you compromise and say "just this one time" or you justify your choice with what obviously are silly reasons. Silly and ridiculous to the "average" person. In that moment, why can't we step into the shoes of an "average" person?  What draws us in to making the choice we know is wrong?

This is a struggle I have. From taking the HOV in the mornings when it's just me in the car to taking that extra pill I'm not prescribed. With the HOV I said one morning "I'm running so late, just today and I won't do it again." With my medication I say "just this one pill right now. I won't take another. And it won't hurt me."

But those choices to hurt you. Maybe not in the natural. But it hurts your soul. You compromise your integrity and weaken your character. You may long forget that choice you made, but the consequences I just spoke of soak into your skin, penetrate into your veins and organs. I'm not being dramatic or tragic. I'm just being honest. Speaking my truth as I know it to be.

Again I go back to why. Self sabotage. Not caring for myself as I need to care and nurture my physical and emotional self. It's a cycle of repeating the care and attention you've received, or not received, in the past. You are in the moment, not thinking about your future but rather stuck in your past. The cycle of it doesn't matter, not really. But it does matter. To move forward you must understand that everything matters. Most importantly yourself.

I matter. I am deserving of love and care. And the most significant level of love and care begins and ends with what I give myself. That's what sticks to my soul. That's the record that plays in my mind when no one can hear and when no one's around.

I must change the record. Play a different tune. Find a song that is soothing and loving and that builds me up. So when the time comes and I'm in that moment about to make a choice, I hear that record in the background.

Cliche. Too many puns. Whatever. I'm choosing my music and these thoughts are the intro.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Scrambled Eggs

My thoughts are rambling, much like scrambled eggs, hence the title. I took a gigantic leap and told my fiance I was having difficulty properly taking my adderal as prescribed. Oh man was I met with a mouthful of questions. I was expecting a "wow, thanks for the honesty" but oh no. I got questions of why and when and for how long, questions you'd get if you confessed to an affair. I suppose this secretive adderall extravaganza I was having is similar to an affair.

So the result and solution to this potential road to addiction is he is dispensing my medication each morning. The unending questions were worth this support I received, his going out of the way, his agreement to help me. I encourage you to tell someone if you are having a similar problem with medication, activities, anything that could be of harm to you and the relationships around you. You may not get high-fives or great job, but you by the grace of God find a solution that helps you and an individual who will help hold you accountable. There is someone, you may have to search or go out on the longest limb you will ever find. But do it.

The burden I was carrying was greatly lifted. I found courage and honesty from and for myself. How empowering! So my scrambled thoughts have brought a realization that I have strength inside me that I would not have found without my struggle.

Strength from struggle. I accept.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Depression?

Often I wonder if my "depression" is all in my head, an excuse for laziness and excuses. An excuse to sleep all day, disconnect from the world, keep my house a mess...maybe this isn't depression. Maybe I'm a hermit. A lazy hermit.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Solitary Living

"Do you feel like we had a bad weekend?"
"No. Do you?"
"Yes."
Great. I'm a bad fiancée. I'm a bad person. I'm incapable of making anyone happy. Of course these are the things that began running through my head when I heard the word "yes."

I can't play dumb. I knew what he was talking about. I took my medicine and completely zoned out for a few hours while I crafted. Then I worked on a calendar I am creating online for a couple more hours. We hardly spoke. I hardly spoke. I wanted alone time. "Me time." Looking back, I see that this was a little selfish, but during those hours I wanted to be selfish. I did feel a few moments of guilt but I quickly got back to work.

The thing about it is if he wants to go golfing or work on this project with coworkers, I act like a brat and try to make him feel bad for leaving me because "we only have the weekends to spend with each other." And then the weekend comes and I want to be left alone. I want to stay home, watch television, read, craft -- all solitary activities.

Is this my depression creeping into my days? What does it mean to want to "be by myself" while being in close proximity to my fiancée? Simply, I don't know.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Clockwork Creative

I just woke up and looked at the clock to see it read 1:15 in the morning. Didn't I wake up at this time last night, and the night before? With every night I wake up around this time, it's creating a habit in my body that says, "Wake up now!" Causing me to wake up, only to keep the cycle going.

No more adderall, so that is a plus. Instead I'm taking my anxiety medicine, because perhaps that's why I'm waking up. My mind is anxious for the day to come. Which makes sense, because these wheels of mine almost never stop moving. I've done everything from worry to contemplate to wonder to taking medicine. I've done all but pray.

Recently God has shown me his grace in interesting ways, so maybe this is His way of bringing me to him. After all, how many distractions are there at 1:15 in the morning. "No time to pray, Kristin. Let me wake you up when there is nothing you can do to solve your worries, because your problems are fast asleep."

One positive that has come of this narcolepsy is my creativity. I am writing and transforming my worries into words, into something tangible that I can erase or rewrite or use completely incorrect punctuation at my leisure.

So what's next for me? Sleep isn't in my cards, but God has a deck of His own. It's to Him I will look, to Him I will ask, "Why in the world am I waking up at 1:15 every morning?"

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Woes of Adderall

So I did talk with my counselor about my adderall concerns, but I did not spill it all. I told her I was concerned I was becoming too dependent on it and was worried because I had problems with abusing it in college. At one point she said something to the effect of, "You'll start labeling yourself as an addict and then anytime you take it you'll feel a sense of guilt, and you'll start believing you have a problem which could actually lead to you having a problem." She said it more eloquently and professional and counselor-esk, but you get the idea.

Last night at 1 a.m. like clockwork I woke up and decided I was going to take an adderall and blog. The problem was my medicine was in my car which was in the garage because I left it there after running 9 miles after work. I contemplated going out to get it, but decided the inconvenience overruled the desire. Instead, I took an anxiety pill, which I am prescribed to take at night if needed, closed my eyes and calmed my mind myself, and eventually fell back asleep.

I have to be honest, today has been a struggle with it. I know there are steps I can take to help me deal with this current tug-and-pull I am experiencing. Not going outside to get my medicine is proof that I have the willpower and laziness to say no. I can keep my medicine in my car at night, and not bring it with me to work. These are helpful, but isn't this doing what my counselor was referring to -- treating myself as if I have a problem -- or am I finding tools to help me prevent a problem that is actually developing? I am interested to hear what my prescribing doctor thinks -- talking to him will take courage because he can simply stop prescribing the adderall, which I don't want to happen. Is this because it actually helps me, because I think it helps me, because I have a problem that convinces me that it's helping, a combination of the above, or something else I haven't yet realized? One thing is certain -- I am spending a lot of energy on contemplating this.

What do you think of all of this?